Star Differs From Star

Bubbles and Wind

2007-04-06T20:28:00.000+01:00

Tonight, the floating bubbles blew softly in the wind. I sat in the car following the little lightweight globules till they were past sight. The leaves rustled on my side. Acutely aware of surroundings.

Human relationships are always complicated. But tonight I thought of someone and I prayed for that person.

You, in your sorrow and despair, I hope
Tomorrows will bring new light although
Much pain has come to pass, I can't
Describe in many more words and so
You have to walk alone and yet I,
Angry with mistakes, bad takes all it takes
Is once to destroy so much,
So little preserved, Pretend that we
Had not this life we'd sail free,
In the distance I bid you goodnight.
It's only right.

Sechs Monaten

2006-07-31T17:57:00.000+01:00

29th January was my last post. And it is the end of July. It's been exactly 6 months since I've not cleared the dust in this corner of cyberworld.

Und wie? How has it been. How have I changed, if any?

Too much to tell, really.

There are landscapes in the air, skies clear but fogged at times, animals leaping into my life and escaping all too quickly, whispers of beauty and death abound, silenced into the background. Beneath it all, perhaps a tinge of perpetual... sadness and gravity? For some, it clings like a film that cannot be shaken off all too easily. Maybe that's okay. Maybe this is the way it is meant to be. Because intensity this way equals intensity for those issues which she is truly passionate about.

It's been interesting. Journey on...

Still Open for Chats

2006-01-29T21:25:00.000Z

Have been thinking of revamping this for a while now, but decided to move instead.

Will keep this open for gory details of my life. Be the privileged few to have inside stories.

Before I go, two things:

1. I reversed into a tree.
2. I laughed out loud right after.

Actually, three.

3. Thanks for visiting and being part of my online community.

Love,tricia.

sun

2006-01-28T04:32:00.000Z

"It's supposed to be completely dark."

"But it's not.
It's completely bright", she whispered.

Wordy

2006-01-25T16:38:00.000Z

Words take on a life of their own if you are not careful. There is a charm, a power that bewitches, as they twist around and tunnel a passage through unawares.

Long words flesh themselves out in the cavity of your mouth, rolling them around on your tongue like a cool bit of ice-cream can be quite an addiction.

Preposterous. Ballistic. Reconciliatory. Superfluous. Antagonistic. Justification. Flabbergasted. Alliteration.

Finger them out slowly,
Sift them like sand through your teeth,
Precise movement of syllables and letters
As they swim around swiftly in a coherent sentence
Beautifully formed to perfection.

Idealism

2006-01-23T04:30:00.000Z

I was written about by a columnist! Although not in his column.

During the lunch session at the Asian New Media Forum, I met Tricia Yeoh (no relation... unless you want to trace back multiple generations to the Fujian district of China) who has just started work at the Centre for Public Policy Studies at ASLI.

Read more...

Patterns in the air

2006-01-22T15:23:00.000Z

I'm tired, thirsty, sleepy and need to do work.

God is good still.

A random post and am out of sorts for the time being. Bear with me.

Maranatha

2006-01-17T14:41:00.000Z

How eagerly do I yearn this?
Or am I living in the comforts of surroundings so much so that I say "let me finish doing this first" and delay what I ought to deeply desire?

Maranatha, Maranatha, Maranatha.

I am attached to another world.

Misteri

2006-01-16T16:21:00.000Z

*She unlocks the door slowly, and as she looks briefly around at the strewn rubbish on floor, papers and trashcans unturned, grill of the kitchen window seems to be missing now... and turns ever so slightly toward her prized possession, source of wealth of information and research - her computer is missing. The conspiracy ensues. Theories wildly leap up at her, brains scream furiously against the looming sinister situation. What secrets have been uncovered? What authority does she live under? Who does she trust? She lives each day dangerously, treading carefully so as to not step on toes.. but inevitably does and the political environment thickens. The shroud of mystery blackens.*

Sounds like a Jeffrey Archer novel? Look again.

Pelan Integriti Nasional

2006-01-15T13:32:00.000Z

From 2004 - 2008, the following aims are to be accomplished under the National Integrity Plan:

1. Effective reduction in corruption, graft and abuse of power;
2. Increased efficiency in the delivery of public services and overcoming bureaucracy;
3. Improved corporate governance and business ethics;
4. Strengthened family institutions;
5. Increase in the overall standard of living and well being of society.

Now let's see how some of these issues have been addressed in the past two years (2004-2005)...

:: Points 1 & 3::
a) The seeming privatisation of companies but in fact many being GLCs.
b) The awarding of contracts to companies affiliated with people in power.
c) The strip-search cases in prisons and the commonly unreported physical abuse of power.
d) Malaysian business efficiency is a fallacy. Our ratings of ease of doing business, as found in the recent World Bank report, have fallen drastically.

:: Point 4 ::
The recent amendment of the Family Law Bill, making easier the process of polygamy and the unfair apportioning to wives..

:: Point 5 ::
The increasing disparity between the very rich and very poor. The poverty rate supposedly having been reduced in the past five years but can we rely on statistics? Think about it.
If the wellbeing of society includes the contestation of one's religion based on seemingly unavailable data, what then is to become of us in 2008 when the above objectives are fulfilled?

On Integrity

2006-01-12T14:40:00.000Z

Integrity. A value system so often preached in our country but so poorly administered. Those in a position to implement such systems began by stating what few would hope to imagine, but hooray everyone thought. A clean page for a clean person in a clean new year! Activists had their eyes and ears open in anticipation, even ready to forego previous prejudices against the regime for the sake of the new kid on the block. Silent lips may have been the calm after the storm but,

“Clearly Pak Lah has opted for the soft approach, the path of least resistance... But clearly too this does not seem to be working as well as it should sometimes.

"Where are the open tenders at all levels? Where is the greater responsibility and efficacy of government bodies and others such as local councils? Where is the move to dismantle patronage in the system? And where is the change to give the Anti-Corruption Agency more power to act? And is it really possible that vote-buying in Umno and elsewhere be rooted out without the help of the ACA and the police.”
Blurred Transparency

Reports a year later show no change.

So, to cut a long story short, I believe Christians ought to make a stand for a change. I know that the stand that I've taken might offend many (even fellow Christians, strangely - if you are offended I'd like to ask why) in that I am fully against the condoning of corruption in any sense. This spans a rather broad range, from bribery of cops to purchasing of pirated DVDs,CDs and VCDs - and more recently, downloading of music off the net for free. It is clear and plain fact that these amount to corrupt acts or the condoning of it. Even if citizens of Bolehland are able to justify your decisions through the corrupt practices up there, and how all this merely contributes to the pockets of people who don't work for it anyway... It is still wrong and it is your responsibility to uphold what is right. If you don't, how will you as a Christian demonstrate any semblance of difference in a world that is already shrouded in shadowy sin?

http://ohmsi.net/aeimages/no-bribes.gif

Oriental Hearts & Minds Institute is holding a National Congress on Integrity this coming Saturday and I urge whoever is free to attend the meeting, costs only RM20. New young people to make a stand in the right direction in the public eye.

And if you can't make it, sign the Online Pledge against corruption. Read and be serious about it.

Psalm 14:2-4
2 The LORD looks down from heaven
on the sons of men
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.

3 All have turned aside,
they have together become corrupt;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.

4 Will evildoers never learn—
those who devour my people as men eat bread
and who do not call on the LORD ?

the true orang asli

2006-01-11T16:00:00.000Z

Drive up the hill of greens and be greeted first thing in the early morning by a group of monkeys playing by telephone wires, branches and grass. The quiet crisp air gives good for a silent moment of prayer, a conversation God would that You start off the day with me by Your side.

Heels go click-click on old bungalow wooden floorboards, sign in and look around at bare space a relief being alone before noise fills this air. Allow me to begin the day well thank you. And a world of new things, eyes opened to wonders that this and that can happen. Deciding - what shall stand be, even on this weblog? Seeking which direction to take, to be (vocal) or not to be. Jeff Ooi a good representative.

Eyes are about to close. Striving to do my best.

But... what a state we are in! pun intended.

More to come. Watch this space.

till death do part

2006-01-10T10:51:00.000Z

May & Pat's wedding! God bless your union, dear friends..

Sduffy Dose

2005-12-30T06:37:00.000Z

I am shick. I haff a cold. Dis is dod de way I would haff wanded do sdard bai dew year and dew job. Budd God is sdill ere id bai midsd. He is delling bee do resd baiself before I ged all busy-whizzy all over agaid. Resd resd resd well.

lover of my soul

2005-12-30T06:28:00.000Z

60 On hearing it, many of his disciples said, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?"

66 From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

John Chapter 6...

Reminder that the gospel is offensive. Many a disciple deserted him once, many more will desert him today. How many know what Jesus is really saying and follow once this truth is revealed? Will I too give up along the way?

Surely not. The One closest to my heart I will continue to love. Sometimes I wonder, perhaps this really is all I need. A Lover like Jesus is more than sufficient.

Tag I'm It

2005-12-30T06:03:00.000Z

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do
this, and leave a comment “YOU ARE TAGGED!” in their blog and tell them
to read your blog for rules.

can't believe i'm responding to this strange thing but here goes.

1. Count
I count the number of letters in every word I speak, every word that people use in daily conversations. The reason is not to total the number of letters, but to make possible that there are combinations of 3 and 5 letters in a word or phrase. An ideal word, for example, is either "sufficient" (5-letter multiple), or "meticulously" (3-letter multiple). In cases where a single word cannot be multiples of 3 or 5, these words can be counted in conjunction with any other word together with it, like "most unlikely" (3-letter multiple), or "star differs from star" (combination of 3,3,5,3,5 letters). I've been doing this since I was 12 years old.. reason for it being the bass line rhythm of Eagles' Hotel California, where one can either tap to with three or five (syncopated) beats. It has carried on till today, and it becomes a rather obsessive thing. But thankfully I can still very much concentrate on conversations whilst doing this! Talk about womens' ability of multitasking.

2. Peel
I peel my skin in an orderly, systematic manner. Although I admit peeling skin is a result of either stress or busy-ness, or both, there is method to my madness. I dig at the outer layer of skin, but not till the depth of the missing peeled layer exceeds too much. Once that occurs, I remove the peeled section. The second layer of skin is that which will eventually harden; it is usually slighly shimmery in nature. This harder layer (which the body I presume, naturally produces as a reaction against the predator peeler, which in this case happens to be me) peels off easily, and does not incur much damage. One has to be cautious that the peeling of layer 2 does not peel further into layer 3 (if not the process starts all over). When layer 2 comes off, it is as if no peeling had ever occurred. Note: Don't practise this, as I've made many a mistake and hence there are of course portions of my skin which are already damaged. How unfortunate.

3. Pillow
My pillow has to be positioned in just the right manner. The opening of the pillowcase has to be on the bottom, right-hand-side corner. This is so that when I sleep, I can insert my right hand into the bottom of the pillow to my right. This is essential to ensure a good night's sleep.

4. Talent
I can whistle and hum at the same time. My flat feet allow me to make suction percussion music with any smooth flat surface on the ground.

5. Bone
I keep a set of real human bones - a spinal cord, to be specific, hanging in my room next to my bed. I've had them for ages and ages, and has been in some respect, a companion of sorts to my otherwise insipid lonely life.

jess,cy,kev,lionel. i don't read anyone else's much.

the holey trail

2005-12-26T15:19:00.000Z

spiders' soft prickly legs
brush against insides of skin
each step sends queer bolts
violent volts
through to ducts they tear apart they
tear.

needles thread and tiny holes
prick the tips of
shiny lips,
stitch on tightly oh so rightly
smiles blossom beaming brightly
shine on whilst knots
hold firm.

if my eyelids could cover always all
would i choose to blind myself
but none,
still the sounds of that of this of noise.
to reach out blind is to lose all sight,
fight makes might,
does might make right?

just a drop into the tinny seas,
stretch and yawn and reawaken
back on stage tomorrow,
swallow up your tiny sorrow,
roar into my heart.

Happy Birthday to You

2005-12-25T12:30:00.000Z

A friend closer than a brother. You walked in your quiet ways when you really wanted to get away from crowds at times. You stood up for the rejects of society. Children ran to your arms. Ruffians, lowlies looked up at you and were amazed. Eyes glistened over as you touched them gently...

Hero fighting for anyone else but himself,
Common man carpenter one of us one of me one of you,
Strength in a look, dignity in voice,
Love so deep it ran out flowing fresh I smell and see and feel,
Your dirt removes my blindness, your pain becomes my peace.

I love ya Jesus for being a friend closer than a brother. A Lord who fights for the right for the good. You rock.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!!!

and a blessed Christmas to all...

Sepupu

2005-12-23T08:00:00.000Z

Spent much of my break period in Singapore with my cousins, over the past two months. An ode to them who are as crazy, blur, accident-prone as me.

Work, Here I come!

2005-12-23T07:37:00.000Z

Proverbs 31:8-9

8 "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
9 Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."

Looking back on the turmoil experienced with respect to future, career and God's vocation in my life, I just have to really praise God for doubts cleared and uneasiness settled. Graduating blindly, arms flailing wildly around unsure and yet knowing deep down my passion for a something-or-other not put into words...

It's a blessing to know certain people God has placed in my life, an accidental conversation with a particular friend who mentions a particular uncle with a particular flu but perchance remembers a particular friend who is starting a particular Centre in a particular organisation. The position which incidentally coincides beautifully with what I have always been interested in and wanting to get involved with.

A friend commented (more like shrieked): What?! Only weird people have jobs like yours.

How will what I do in any way impact upon society? It probably won't, at least not directly anyway to be honest. But seen from a macro perspective, you have the basic desire, the fundamental objective, that work is carried out and completed for the purposes of social development in whatever minute manner. To ensure some sort of balance, analysing the clockwork of our very human operations, policies that benefit all equally if ever possible, and my personal dream as outlined in the verses above. In fact, all through His Word you find hints and direct commandments to aid the poor and needy. I'm not entirely sure how what I do will contribute, but this is a vision.

And so, from Tuesday the 3rd I will settle into my uncorporate-like office, set atop an ulu hill, in the midst of wild trees, in an old bungalow. May God be my Beginning, Centre and End of my days @ work.

Pull & Push

2005-12-16T08:40:00.000Z

If China’s rapid emergence as an economic powerhouse and global superpower is to be considered the pull factor for a returning pride in being Chinese, the push factor surely comes from the strong sense of being unwelcome in one’s country of birth.

If you want to read on, use:
raindropp; starry

Journal Excerpt

2005-12-14T17:02:00.000Z

An excerpt from my real journal, which I thought I'd share:

"... and so the Christian seeks to reach out to people in all layers of society. The true meaning of Missions is to ensure that we are "Salt unto the earth", not salt laying around in a salt-shaker. How are we to be effective if the only people we meet and hang out with are Christians? This is a real challenge to us who spend most of our time in the culture of Church. The Church that emphasizes fellowship over missions, gathering as fellow believers over reaching out to the lost.

True, the importance of Christians edifying one another cannot be diminished in any way, but if all of one's time is spent on this, rather than an active pursuing a relationship that might seek to save, then how exactly is my purpose on earth being fulfilled?

I am equally guilty of this myself, and it is something God has to challenge me with everyday. The frustration of the past two months, of not being able to actively engage in a ministry of some sort, to speak to people and relate to them as Christian to non-Christian.. it makes me feel redundant. Although I have used this time to regain spiritual ammunition.. as Twa-Ee says, "When you aren't actively involved in reaching out, you find that your spiritual life seems to wither and die."

And this is true - not only because you are not fulfilling what God has placed in you to do, but in that the mind becomes introspective in nature. And when self-involvement and selfish thoughts are overemphasized over and above the Other, this spells danger..."

Pink Thing

2005-12-14T16:41:00.000Z

Fact #1: Pink Thing = Soft Pink cover on earphones attached to funky iPod.

Fact #2: Pink Thing is misplaced while Tricia lends funky iPod to A and J.

Me: Where is my Pink Thing?
A: Where is her Pink Thing?
J: Nice skirt.
A: Not my skirt.
J: I tore your skirt?
A: You tore my skirt?!

Fact #3: Pink Thing is in fact, pink, and not white; Synthetic material and not food.

Me: NO, where is my Pink Thing?
J points to scrap of spaghetti on floor: Is that it?

Fact #4: Pink Thing can get lost in unusual places.
A: Let me check my ears.
J Laughs Out Loud.
But Checks her ears.
Pink Thing is found in J's right ear, whereupon promptly removed and assures Tricia that it (the ear or the Pink Thing, either of which Tricia has to boldly believe) is indeed clean and sterile.

Tricia is amused that the Pink Thing is an object of much amusement for the night.

hmmm

2005-12-09T19:01:00.000Z

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

all in a rush

2005-12-09T06:59:00.000Z

I got a job. Praise God! He is good! Mixed feelings, but ever thankful because this is what I had asked for - somewhat. Wonder whether this out of the many available options is the right one to take. Thoughts of whether this path chosen will alter my character in such-and-such a manner, as to differentiate itself from the other such-and-such characters had I selected the other/s. Praying that original objectives and goals will not change rapidly. Must remind myself to live for God. Only His principles count in this crazy world. Must remind myself of my conviction to go into Christian ministry in the future, lest I forget, lest I am confounded by the many swift arrows whizzing by me. Theoretics of work ethics, standards to keep... can be debated upon but herein lies the crunch and I must remember! I must hold strong amidst diplomacy, maintain a certain likeness to childhood desires, ever chasing a wispy dream that floats too quickly away, leading to God Himself. I pray knowledge becomes a stepping-stone, not a crumbling brick that stumbles my path to Him. I pray experience and exposure in the society-defined "real world" bring me not further away from walking the walk we so often preach, but a real reminder of how we live as fallen people in a fallen world. God give me the strength to consciously be reminded of all these. God give me the only direction I will need.

remind me when I forget.

Going to Singapore in a couple of hours' time, to see my grandma. Will be back and forth the month of December. Start work in January with ASLI: AsianStrategy & Leadership Institute.

And come what may,
God is good,
God is good,
God is good.

"Home"

2005-12-05T08:34:00.000Z

Back to back traffic. Heat rising from black tar. Sweaty hot afternoons walking along the pavement while the motorbikes race by, oblivious to road rules I mean what rules? Momentary reprieve with gush of cool wind. Delectable smells from little stalls, one side my food, one side your food. Tastepicking from each. The mad rush in the mornings, evenings, rush rush rush towards something, anything better? The post-madness of a day, relaxing under mushroom umbrellas sprawled over the city. Mamak bistro, the combination of tastes Malaysian Western coffeeshops, the fine balance between what is posh and what is roadside etiquette. Shout loudly on handphones. Fine ladies clutching bags a tad too tightly. Food, your regular char koay teow, ka bak pok please as you may thank you.

Crowds push no mercy no second thought. Smells. It's the smells I tell you. No other place gives you a full sensation of smells. An exercise of the nose. From sheer bliss of steam rising from dip-dip to street what-youd-like-to-call-it floating around the drains, just beside that foodstall you just ate at?

The nights. Free to roam. Laughter rises. The comfort of - those you know who think of you who remember you I just thought of you this week wondered when you'd be back network comfort of swing conversation the la-di-las - Friends.

I'm home. Or not yet.

absolute relativity

2005-12-02T10:31:00.000Z

It is an error for Christians to make relative what God has made absolute.
But it is equally an error for Christians to make absolute what God has left relative.

mismatch

2005-12-02T10:22:00.000Z

These floating ice blocks never seem near enough,
Far enough.
Upon deciding, you
Open your eyes and
quickly they travel on shallow water,
Deep water.
Away?
Continental Confusion.
You lift your hand up,
Maybe tomorrow - silently.
And they layer, they smile brightly,
Sit tightly.
To set feet down, be firm be cool be stable be fool.
Or the caravan.

Zwischen Zeit

2005-11-29T17:25:00.000Z

Für ein Monat habe ich zurück in Asien sein. Ich möchte nicht alles in Deutschland vergessen, deshalb muss ich jetzt ein bisschen über Berlin und auf Deutsch schreiben. Jemand hat mir gefragt: Warum mag ich Deutsch lernen? Meine Antwort ist, für immer habe ich gedankt, ich bin schlecht auf Sprache. Aber wann ich ein wenig Deutsch gelernt, ich finde es sehr einfach für mich.

Berlin ist eine schöne Stadt. In die Zentrum von Berlin gibt es sehr viele alte Gebäude, zum beispiel Dom und die Reistag. Trotzdem es ist sehr schön, aber ich werde Berlin erlinnen, eine Stadt mit sehr freundlich Leute. Ady und ich sind mit Claudia gebliebt, und viele Leute aus viele andere Lände getroffen. Was war wichtig für mich, wir haben in die Stadt mit viele Studenten über Gott gesagt. Und da habe ich über meine Leben gedankt. Dort habe ich meine... Anruf.. (vielleicht) erhalten.

Und liebe ich eine Lobpreis Lied.. und die Wörte sind sehr richtig, weil wir sind,
In Diese Zwischen Zeit, In Diese Zwischen Zeit.

Episodes with Mama 2

2005-11-29T16:28:00.000Z

Cable TV plays old movies, musicals famous in the 1950's, much to the delight of old folk like Mama. Strapping young men with all the wisdom in their eyes and voices, singing through the dark nights to equally young and dainty women, making everything alright in the world. Clipped accents and queer ancient mannerisms, alien to our generation yet providing a distinct fascination.

Mama who has not eaten a morsel of solid food the whole day, listless and weak, suddenly brightens up at the sight of these. She is deaf, cannot hear any of the music from these moving lips on screen.

And yet - yet she comes alive and breaks out into full song with the opera singers... She calls out to us, and says excitedly the title of an old favourite of hers (and mine): Maytime!!

She strings out names of famous actors and actresses. Rosemary Clooney, Jeannette MacDonald, Nelson Eddy, Mario Lanza...

.. and sings (more like grunts) in her totally off-key (forgive her, she can't hear herself) manner my grandfather Kong-kong's song for her..

Overhead, the moon is beaming,
White as blossoms on the bough.
Nothing is heard but the song of a bird
filling all the air with dreaming;
Would my heart but still its beating,
Only you can tell it how, beloved;
From your window give me greeting,
Hear my eternal vow.

Episodes with Mama 1

2005-11-29T16:18:00.000Z

"I'll be back soon, Mama", I say, rubbing her arm and smelling Tiger Balm permeating strong.

The skin sags from her chin and I think I imagine that she is smaller, thinner, this frame of a woman doubled over bent like a flimsy folded piece of paper, frail and weak and my grandmother.

Her sad eyes peer up and Parkinson's-Disease-ridden left hand reaches up with all the energy mustered, cups my face in her palm, Thank you for looking after me.

I stay in this moment of affection because who knows.

Soothe

2005-11-23T16:43:00.000Z

You've been there all along
Just like a song
At the back of my mind...

Music fills my days again, aching after an ageless song, jamming and weaving tunes in between strings of the metal in my hands, light and bouncy cold white keys lighting up at my very touch, the deep resonation of hollow drums I slam against wood, voices calling out to One making noise making music not so tight as it ought but that joy, simple acoustics on aunt's bed as we dig up old and simple worship tunes of much depth, quiet melodies cutting through pain and sadness, the offering of peace.

An Old Song I Love
Jesus, name above all names,
Beautiful Saviour, Glorious Lord.
Emmanuel, God is with us,
Blessed Redeemer, Living Word.

Binding

2005-11-20T18:51:00.000Z

At that very moment, God flooded into me and claimed His child, took me as a Father would.

Trying to comprehend God's roles for Father and Husband. Husbands to love wives as Christ loves the church. Father as representative of God to family, representative of family to God. What does it feel like to have a secure father; a secure husband? I've been reading all these books written by, and for, mainly men - and the bookshop owner must think me strange. But I have to know.

And the understanding of a marriage covenant - what this means. A covenant always involves the sacrifice of something, the giving of self. In the case of our covenant with God it is the dying of self to Him. In a marriage, a dying of self to the other. What happens when a covenant is broken? The adulterous relationship committed by Israelites against God through idolatry. The adulterous relationship committed by man/woman against spouse. What is the right either party has to disengage self from the relationship? A broken covenant means a broken promise means a broken vow. When husbands stop loving their wives, has the covenant been broken? Is the wife legally (by God's law anyway) bound to husband?

Clarity

2005-11-20T18:29:00.000Z

Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are..
I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow...

Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering,
Though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be Your name.

Losers and winners
Saints and sinners
One day will see His face.

My desires behind Yours.

The Great Super-Soaker

2005-11-20T15:31:00.000Z

Armed with Black Lethal Weapon, I stride across the mucky grounds, ready to blast away defiant dirt. A humongous watergun, gleam in my eye. No drip or drizzle of water but a powerful roaring burst of fountain-like spray - sharp and quick, cutting through.

Obsessive streak in me revealed, all dirt in tiny bits of cracks in ground to be removed at all costs. Pure and powerful stream of water piercing tiniest holes, removing age-old fungus. Layer by layer I go, stripe by stripe. Washing away Blackness in totality, no compromise, till clean light grey cement is finally visible. And at the end, I look down and see the accumulated muck gathering instead on my feet, a result of the water pressure and standing too close to watch the actual action.

**

Hard as I've tried to imagine the Power of the Holy Spirit, I've never been able to conceive of anything more than an ... okay, stream of flowing water (image of peaceful waterfall), gust of blowing wind (against my hair) etc. But it hit me that if I thought this measly automated water machine was powerful, how infinitely MORE POWERFUL God's Spirit is! In the Complete washing-out of the soul. How He meticulously cares to travel to the depths of our bodies, both spiritual and physical beings, to cleanse out any form of sin that exists, if we so ask. How Jesus' blood not just -trickled,flowed like a broken tap- but FLOWED, powerfully, with almighty Strength, with energy of a thousand waterfalls into us when we are washed clean. And in the process of standing too close to us, He takes the dirt and muck on Himself.

Go get yourselves a watergun today.

in sickness and in health

2005-11-14T17:27:00.000Z

Mama asked for jewellery brochures & Mee Rebus today, and we knew she was on the road to recovery.

LAUGH

2005-11-13T16:37:00.000Z

In my silly moments, I forgot the meaning of music, vibrancy, Fun, life. Scary, thinking of a life utterly consumed by misery - my own. Fading away like a shadow, a flower withered by the sun. Fight back with all the energy of the Lord's, redeem sparks seemingly trodden upon.

Passions for issues close to heart rise up again. Assimilation of cultures into others Muslim majority in France Turks in Germany how why what, Chinese in Malaysia Indians in Singapore Political friends Internal enemies Sorrow Kashmir Hunger Palestine Violence Hatred Peace Tomorrow over Today over Yesterday over over and done with, Wounded and Needy souls desiring love peace sharing stories God's love overpowering evil I reach out a hand to you will you take it? where my heart is, there my treasure lies also, people people people
people need
the Lord.

what this means to me

2005-11-13T15:56:00.000Z

Without repentance, can a person's heart truly be changed?
Without repentance, can one genuinely be Christian?

For it is the acknowledgement of sin, the understanding that one can never approach God in all His holiness on one's own, and the asking of forgiveness that epitomise the turning back from the old self and the turning to Him.

And so without this, there is no dying of the old and putting on of the new. But a refusal to part with old flesh, old desires. Without repentance there is no hope.

silence

2005-11-12T17:26:00.000Z

a silent breath
as i await

Freiheit - Freedom

2005-11-12T16:42:00.000Z

Living under a smog of dullness, dead weight and old skin makes you unable to truly live as the vibrant spirit God intends for you to be. It is the old trick Satan plays on you, turning the sinfulness of others against you. But God liberates! And you soon realise it has nothing to do with you anymore.

God is an entity that frees. Freedom from all sorts of bondage. If I am living in God, I ought to be living free and live abundantly. But many times I forget to claim this promise, and allow dull dead dryness to layer me, pushing suppressing pressure-cooking.

Ask for release... God listens...

On a 'lighter' note, I realise I've not mentioned that I'm back in South-East Asia, after having travelled Germany and Vancouver in the past two months. Stayed in KL only for a week and now in Singapore, spending quality time with relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) and especially dear grandma who's stuck in hospital with a blood clot on her left leg to be thinned out and a minor heart failure. I must devote an entry to Mama one fine day, the most adorable grandma!

I'm blessed with my extended family. All are part of God's family, Praise God! And my cousins and I have been recently able to discuss in greater detail issues relating to religion, philosophy and general things. All with almost the same wavelength, not to mention being clumsy in nature, I thank God daily for providing me with this large support group.

Am on the job-hunt. Frighteningly few applications in the past two weeks, because I'm fussy and meticulous with regards to the nature of the company, perusing thoroughly each website with objectives and goals. Optimally, socio-economic research targeting development of nation/s - sounds steep, noble and unachievable but praying for doors to open. Just waiting on the next step presented to me by God.

Other undergoing projects: Elderly care (massaging and feeding Mama at the hospital), Housework (Mama's big house while maid is away at hospital), Ministry (helping aunt and uncle in ideas for Prison Ministry and teaching cousin Malay worship songs for Indonesian Ministry), Language (practising German through mails and books), Communication (getting in touch with old mates from UK and the world over), Books (catching up on readings: current book Miracles by Lewis).

To start on: Music (re-recording old songs and recording new ones on computer despite lousy quality of voice and equipment), Chinese (learn learn learn), Exercise (to lose weight for Dee May's wedding, have to fit into bridesmaid dress!!).

Light Liberates,
Dark Dissipates,
flowing loosely in between
seams and
dreams and
flashing beams.

Stars Scheinen,
Sternen Shining,
waves of speed come
crashing down
atoms abound
spinning me in their fingers
round and round.

Bubbles Bursting,
Freedom Frothing,
white bright smiles
teeth for miles
embracing sauntering
dancing sailing
flailing wild.

Bask in the freedom of Christ!

twist

2005-10-26T11:02:00.000+01:00

I was right. The winter that was to warm into spring has instead become colder than ever, a reversal of sorts in line with the backtrack of time. I've leaped back into the swirl of colourful words.

A Peace that transcends all understanding.

A Peace in the midst of the storm.

It is when we start pointing fingers at others that we cannot see the Big Blackness in our own eyes. The constant poking at a fire against all others save one (yourself, of course) signifies insecurity, selfishness, pride. A constant attack on the soul is a spiritual battle. You fight good against evil, but which is the good and which is the evil now? You don't know. Evil's strongest power is in the form of deception. One's eyes are clouded, one's ears are softened by flowery words, words repeated till the cows come home and I don't see any real change.

And how about grace? The giving of something to an undeserving recipient. God demonstrates this to us through the act of forgiveness and the gift of salvation & eternal life in heaven. What does grace mean on a human level? The grace to give something - what? - to one who doesn't deserve it. Forgiveness? (Forgiveness equals the giving over of a person whose act has wronged you, to God - it does not mean equal trust as before) And what else? Does it involve still an act of giving? And if so, what?

God is all-mighty, all-powerful.

O God, give me grace but tell me what this means!

how

2005-10-13T21:24:00.000+01:00

do i live in worlds of inverted colours.
do i shut out what is most pressing.
do i return to yesterday's pains.
do i fly to new ones.
do i learn to pray.
do i love You.
do i do.

bits of me

2005-10-10T23:24:00.000+01:00

I can't even begin to express the journey of heart over the past month. Beginning with Wuerzburg, then to Berlin, then back to Warwick for a couple of days, and now in Vancouver. Where do I start?

I don't know.

Wuerzburg was a journey into rock solid friendships, long and intense conversations with Ben and Britta, two buddies of mine who are going to be officially married in November. Wonderful colourful chats about language, culture, religion, issues in life, late into the night, at the dinner table by candlelight as the slight drizzle against the streetlights outside cooled us down. Music in the city. Discovering new things. Learning from their relationship, forthright and honest with the other. Passionate about God and about life. Doing the right thing.

Berlin is just too long a story to talk about now. But in a nutshell, learning about what God wants for my life. Learning how weak and needing we are. How God can work through weaknesses.. Had to speak in all languages I could squeeze up, including sharing the gospel in German which I failed miserably in. No, correct that, I do think God was able to use me in that sense. Of course I did come up with "God has forgotten us" instead of "God has forgiven us" in German... and a million other mistakes. The experience was incredible. More of this later.

England for a week was terrible. Meeting people after not having seen them for a long time, being all excited and happy to see familiar faces across campus only to say farewell in the very next minute. How painful it is to tear apart relationships. Said my goodbyes to precious places. Spots I know I will always go to in my mind still.

And Vancouver. Certain challenges to face here, but nothing God cannot train me in. Significant is the lunch meal I had yesterday, with my two Filipino maids who saw me grow up. Susana and Andrea Olsing, sisters of the best kind. Susana was with me for three years between 4 and 7 years old. Andrea between 7 and 10. They were with me during some of the most trying periods, and otherwise not. It was a reconstruction of a painting that had hung in my mind for ever so long that I had forgotten the original colours.

They brought back colour and meaning; I saw my past in a different light. Telling me things of my childhood and inside stories that I had never known. This is a crazy crazy way of discovering yourself. How many of us actually have this opportunity to travel back into time? How many of us have a storyteller of exact same incidents you have in your past, but told in a different light? Tales of yourself but written in different ink. And looking at them made me feel like a child again. It was as if I was 5 years old all over again.

A sojourn.

And yet, now, time to return home.

Vancouver is a pretty city. I have so many stories in my head and heart, bursting to be told. But not for now. For now, the rain falls silently outside and makes life seem all that more bearable.

Give thanks to God in ALL circumstances. Is life hard-pressed? God is good. I know.

Auf Wiedersehen

2005-09-09T22:02:00.000+01:00

Not much time to write at all, but fare thee wells I must record.
Goodbyes to rooms that filled with cheer and tears and yearnings, fears.
Return I once more to a campus flooded with faces new and fresh and young,
But belong I not to that throng of people, no longer the I in the warwick,
But yesterday's student, oh the girl of the intake before you, before you, before you.

Shipped off boxes unevenly packed, insecurely taped, apologies for repeating,
But pray that contents do not overflow into oceans where creatures below abound and
Laugh in glee whilst learning the many ways of research methods in psychology, philosophy of epistemology, qualitative analysis.

Bare empty room, bare empty heart. But no - yet filled with hopes to come.
Yes, what is hope if received already? But yet we wait.
For times ahead,
And friends beloved smiling, waiting, hugs, music, prayers, talks, deep into the night - I pray for these, may visions become true as I arrive in the tiny town of Würzburg where no taxis exist. Pretty town I hear.

And further, to Berlin where words of wisdom will come not from my mouth but out of Him - me as instrument, cracked and wanting a tuning desperately.
Ich muss Deutsch sprechen, ich möchte mit alles Studenten eine gute gesprächt machen. Gott, ohne dich kann ich nichts machen... And surely You will help when I call out for it, thank You. make me connect with the people around...

And journey mercies request I you, that all who read pray for safety, guidance..
I plan to take a carpooling service across the country - pray for safe people in this car and no telling parents either you know I know we all know they worry I would too if it was my kid and so they wouldn't tell me either.

To Germany! Prost!

And in the background, thunder sounds. Deep into the darkness. Deep darkness. Ominous, no.
For these become symbols of peace - thunder, rain, rainbow on clouds.. in clouds.. plain old rainbows promises of God.

Scattered thoughts, apologies for thoughts running here there everywhere but rushing rushing to get things sorted. A couple of solitary hours later, no laptop connection, just me and God and journal and Bible and food. What else need I? Ich brauche nichts mehr...

Night brings calm, God says: Be still and know that I am God. Indeed I shall. Will check-in again soon. Meanwhile, I have loved you, Tocil.. your Faraway tree.. golden streetlights.. cozy little rooms.. Trees and grass that've changed with me through the seasons.. my home for this period.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
If I wake on the faraway mountains,
Even there Your hand will hold and guide me,
How can I doubt the presence of You Lord?
You've been beside me through all that I've endured,
You give me peace though all I've known is fear,
You've kept Your promise that You'll be right here.
Be right here.

(Adapted from Psalm 139:8-10)

expression

2005-09-06T00:02:00.000+01:00

Stuff to do when you've submitted your dissertation:

Expressions. Try and figure out which represents what. :)

free to wander

2005-09-02T07:17:00.000+01:00

Write I now, lest I forget.

Wee bit drink, night of dance, fresh shower and bowl of warm spaghetti left me wide-eyed and sleepless. Journalled the night away on crisp paper, whilst Orion winked at me cheekily on my right. He faded away with the chill of the night, going as silently as he came. Skies lightened, pinks peeped out. It beckoned, "come hither". So I leapt out of bed, grabbed my bicycle key and off sailed Gyp and I toward the sunrise.

Mist upon lake, skimming the surface ever so slightly, no ripple cause it. Cycled on weed after weed, spokes and tyres gathering greens all round. Into thick Gibbet Hill Woods a thousand years early. Pink, white, blue, orange, then Sun. Golden. Triumphant. Magnificent. Cast thick honey to flow onto reeds. Baby Oak.

Wrinkle-faced men with boots strapped high. Two faithful dogs per person. Nine in total, small, big, old, wise, white, grey, black, spotted - as wrinkly as their owners. Most creep up to me, sniff sniff sniff, wag their tails and grin a toothy smile. I laugh in delight... Dog bounds away as masters calls, come along now. My heart swells again.

This is all I need. I am the happiest girl this morning. God of All Creation indeed. Lord, Your simple beauty can never fail to astound me. You have been gracious. You've watched me struggle through this dissertation, been my rock of support. Feelings of failure, ever-present sadness, but You are complete. Amen. Thank you to all you guys who've prayed for me this month.

A joyful soul lays down to sleep now. Nite.

ode to dissertation and Neil Stewart

2005-08-27T01:50:00.000+01:00

The schedule staring me in the face states: 3 days to go. It's unbearable, and I c-a-n-n-o-t wait for Wednesday! There's a million things to do! Books to read, songs to play on the guitar that beckons in the corner of my room, movies to watch, things to pack, people to meet, places to visit for one last time.

On a side note, my dear supervisor still calls me "Trishia" on the e-mail despite having worked with me over the past half a year or so on my dissertation. I forgive him though. He's the one who turned up at a fellow lecturer's home a week late for a lunch party, bottle of wine in hand and all. This fellow is so intelligent, speaks like a journal article, and I constantly stare blankly at him and feel very silly as he painstakingly tries to make concepts clearer. But it's good to know he's just as human as everyone else. As blur as me, I mean.

it's true, then...

2005-08-24T23:26:00.000+01:00

This made me think how I've forgotten some bits of Malaysia. Little things. Bits of eroded memory. And more, how real it is that I'm going home. Home, home, home.... Surreal...

sl says:
aku balik sept 21
raindropp says:
ku balik malaysia pada 22 october
sl says:
so we can still meet and mamak wehn u return arrr!
raindropp says:
yeah!!!
raindropp says:
where's yr usual mamak spots?
raindropp says:
cool cool...
sl says:
me SS2 la
raindropp says:
YAYY can go to
raindropp says:
my gosh i forgot
raindropp says:
what's that plc??
raindropp says:
the famous one
raindropp says:
william's brother
raindropp says:
murni's

destination anywhere

2005-08-22T18:04:00.000+01:00

sailing through the air,

31st Aug: Submit Dissertation
9th Sep: Wuerzburg to visit Ben & Britta
16th Sep: Berlin Mission Trip (IFES)
25th Sep: Short trips possibly Weimar/Leipzig/Dresden
30th Sep: Back on Campus!
5th Oct: Vancouver to visit uncle
21st Oct: London transit...
22nd Oct: Arrive back in Malaysia

you can cover me in prayer.

look up

2005-08-22T17:49:00.000+01:00

In between stress...

lies a haunting reprieve in night skies...
pale light through broken pieces of ice.

Israeli Disengagement: Political Perspective

2005-08-19T21:41:00.000+01:00

I have to separate blog entries because of length and angle of discussion.

Now the Israeli disengagement plan has left me pondering over the last week or so. How does this fit in with what God has planned for Israel as a nation? So first off, let's look at history. After the many wars and battles fought for the Holy Land, hands changed over the centuries, finally the land of Palestine is governed by the Arabs...

Fast forward to 1917, League of Nations is given a mandate to build a home for the Jews. The Arabs can't take it and rebel, enmity is formed. So fine... the Jews don't come over because of all this uprising. The Brits thought they had it made then, after making this informed decision. Fast forward somemore to 1947, post World War II and the Holocaust. The United Nations now sit together and vote for whether or not Israel should be formed as a whole nation, and to give them a 'homeland'. The votes come out YES (by a very small margin, if I recall correctly). Yay, now the Jews have a home. So they come one come all from all over the world, back to the land of dignity. Even those who were successful in other parts of the world now come rushing back to a home with just dead sand. It'd take a miracle for it to be properly cultivated for vegetation (miracle granted - so much so that foreigners come pouring in asking for help on how to work dry dead soil into life). BUT Palestinians expelled or flee for their lives. So they have no home.

So Israel flourishes. And being granted new land, they become bold and desire more. Expansionist policies for the next few decades, climaxing in 1967 with the 6 day war. SUPER miraculously tearing down neighbouring Arab nations - either by divine intervention or brilliant military tactics.

Settlements mushroom all over the much coveted Gaza Strip and even more so, the West Bank. Israeli minority within a land chockful of Palestinians refugee camps. Palestinian terror begins. Hamas as the main terrorist group and PLO trying its best to restrain Hamas from doing too much. Finally PLO decides to recognise Israel as a state, so that it might now makes its presence felt in a nation that it for so long refused to acknowledge. Oslo Agreement in 1993 allows PLO to enter Gaza Strip and West Bank. Now Palestinians are around, but basically refugees in cramped up areas.

Fast forward more. 2000. Palestinian intifada (resistance) begins. Killing all over.. blood.. your brother killing my father killing your grandfather killing my child. Negotiations at Camp David (I remember Clinton being most instrumental in this, but who really knows?) Dozens of media pictures of Arafat shaking hands with Ehud Barak, and then Sharon. Nothing is achieved.

Fast forward to last year. 2004. Arafat passes away and Mahmoud Abbas takes over as leader of PLO. Change is about to take place, I can feel it in the air. Arafat seems to have been around for ages and ages. So YES, indeed change takes place as talks begin once again. New leadership means new attitudes means new things about to happen.

And this year. 2005. Disengagement plan for Israel to retreat from its current settlements in the Gaza Strip. Much hullabaloo about the whole thing. Media takes up the story. Israelis weeping and resisting the move and change, clinging on to the synagogues with all their might, not knowing quite how to react to their fellow soldiers who, for the first time ever, are 'fighting' against them rather than with them. Now it's time to go, away from the Promised Land. All up in arms, for they believe it is against God's will in the Scriptures.

On the political scene, everyone congratulates Sharon for making the right decision. It is for the sake of my people, he says. Offering a hand of peace by making the first move away. But this means that You Palestinians, You Hamas people must react accordingly, with the same grace that I am giving to you by leaving. So the whole world is glad, sympathetic with the Israelis for having to leave, yet glad that Sharon is making an effort to make peace.

BUT: Let's look at other popular opinion. One alternative is that this is merely a media guise, a BIG action plan by Israel-USA (Yes, that longstanding relationship) to cut down resource spending in Gaza Strip and save the big bucks for the West Bank, which has 1) More Settlements hence more Israelis there, 2) Better Land and 3) More Holy Sites. Why not? Media gimmick to disengage from Gaza Strip (which has smaller economic value anyway) and concentrate resources on the West Bank... While the news is going to show us how the 'homeless Israelis' are suffering with nowhere to live, no schools to go to, what we ought to be on the lookout for are future developments in the WEST BANK.

So.. what is really up Ariel Sharon's sleeve?

distant thunder rumbles

2005-08-19T00:16:00.000+01:00

along with my tummy

all out of hollywood

2005-08-18T01:46:00.000+01:00

Ah yes, so now worm eating becomes part of that which pollutes the minds of young Malaysian children. But there is some truth to what Rais says. And I quote the Oompa-Loompas of the new Wonka film, television might soon effect a "see, don't think" attitude. The overall dumbing down of society based on Americanised values... I still love my CSI and Gilmore Girls, thank you very much. But programmes like "Race to the Altar" (wedding altar)??? Oh and by the way, look carefully at the ten pound note Charlie Bucket pulls out of the muck on his very British streets and you'll realise it's an American $10 bill and not a 10 quid. So much for it being an original British adaptation...

But I DID enjoy it. Depp gives me the creeps, but I like weird.

pull the trigger

2005-08-15T22:03:00.000+01:00

Too many beautiful pictures to choose from.. summer in england.. but.. one will suffice for now.

Tracy and I at Lake District. Clear, clear waters of Lake Thirlmere...

let go and let God

2005-08-15T21:02:00.000+01:00

Life as a series of numbers.. 15.. 24.. 9.. 16.. 25.. 29.. 6.. 20.. 21.. 22..

15 days till submission of my dissertation 24 days till I leave the home the place I've called home for a year.

And so with a heavy heart I systematically organise my last few weeks here into perfect order. Lists of things to pack. Things to ship. Things to give away. Things to sell. Having my travel arrangements all sorted, booked, printed, filed. Everything nicely reduced into packets of information that I can handle, that I can hold in the palm of my hand, that my mind can grasp and compute, telling me that things are under control... control.. control. Because they're really not. Everything up in the air, like the clumps of ice cream thrown up into mid-freeze: Dissertation.Travelling.Mission.Home.Job, the length of the words (measured in number of letters) inversely related to the number of days till I reach that point in time.

And yet, God calls me back into His peace daily. How awesome that we run from One in whom we ultimately rest..! This One who takes us as we are. No false expectations, that which will be laid out upon arrival on that day on that twenty second of the third last month of this same year.

Warwick. My walks. lake. trees. being me. singing free. fleeing me. learning God. learning me. learning life. living. spring. snow. imagined snow [dandelion fluff]. arts centre. germany. united nations in disguise. political blair. political bleh. political blur. christian union. globe cafe. interaction. inter-action. lake district. travel. history. europe. love. learning to love. dissipating past. forgetting. remembering. talks. late nights. moon. light. river. water. dry. hail. nettles. laughs. cries. food. getting fat. psychology. stress. joy. bible studies. bbqs. summer. colourful leaves. colourful lives. colour. badminton. swim. lost. found. tomorrowstomorrowstomorrows. sunrise. tesco. swans. hidden storks. spider's eggs. time for tea. time to weep. time to laugh.

time to say goodbye.

co-habitation

2005-08-12T21:13:00.000+01:00

I now know what it's like to sacrifice an amount of space and comfort for another living being's presence. The constant whine and drone of this opposite being that at times comforts, but most other times annoys. Does it always have to end this way?

Ms. Honeybottom and her inmates (of the prison: Nest) have decided to comfortably settle in the recesses of some unexpecting pipe, or nearby neighbourhood (said: Tocil) tree. These colourful black and yellow wasps provide unadulterated irritation to local residents of the said vicinity. They come clamouring to us, for they are in dire need of light, or the illusion that being in close proximity with light will provide them salvation. (I am the light of the world). And so my (un)friendly neighbours visit me nightly, once dusk falls and my room shines with exuberating luminosity, that says: Come to me, come to me, faithful lover.. hide in my bosom and I will give you rest.

Now wasps are dangerous creatures. Not only do they sting you, but they are also unkind in this act. They sting and continue stinging, ploughing through the race of humanity were the situation to so arise. Worse, after being attacked and murdered by a slightly hostile human being (of the more male type human), will emanate a chemical smell that attracts their family members to come to their rescue. (Rescue indeed, from death?)

Bees, on the other hand, are more compassionate. Stinging once and their behinds left within the skin of the unsuspecting person, they waver around and fall to their death, entire raison d'etre being to share their bodily fluids. AND they are cute! Yes, sitting atop Abbey Fields Park on the green grass, fastly fading to grey in the death of summer, there we were, two strangers to the land of wild nectar-feasting. Bees of all kinds hovering in our midst. They are fuzzy and furry - strokeable I wish. Short and stumpy as opposed to wasps' elongated abdomens, they come in variants of colours. Black with yellow bottoms. Yellow with black heads. Yellow with three black stripes.

And so I laugh with evil dancing in the centres of my eyes (quote: Witches) as these resident wasps clamour against my shut window, four to five of them tapping tapping tapping as if they were calling for tea. (In which case I might give them a chance). But more often than not, one strays into my room. She accompanies me for the night as I too tap away on the keyboard. She hovers around me. She looks upon me as I rest in silent slumber. She buzzes in and out at free will. I've become used to her company, somewhat.

Yes, Ms. Honeybottom is now my cohabitant. What joys and trepidation await me tonight?

cliffhanger

2005-08-06T16:16:00.000+01:00

I'm hanging on a cliff, my fingers desperately clinging tightly onto the hard sharp rock. It's cold, jagged and stinging my skin. [Totally frustrated with my analyses and results of an experiment I spent too much time and money on. No results = Bad write-up = Bad grade = Disappointment]

As I let go my tight clench, I fall onto random flying objects, taking me through the air one by one. [Travelling to Würzburg, Berlin, Vancouver in the next couple of months.]

Finally fall onto solid ground. That soft, familiar earth. [Thought of returning home feels so good at this point.]

observing earth

2005-08-02T14:18:00.000+01:00

This is my new toy. Go and play with it, it's amazing stuff! You can pretend to be a secret investigator, planning your route to kill and destroy.. nah, this is awesome. Go to http://earth.google.com and download it. You can type in any city of any country, and google does the searching for you, brings you right to the city - a satellite viewpoint of the area. You can ask for directions to and from the place, and search for important buildings/banks/restaurants/universities in the area. Go install it now!! One can travel the world on this... I can now sit back at my laptop and enjoy the world at my doorstep, look at earth's vegetation, hills, mountains, cities, roads, even the little cars along the highways...

This is the closest I'll ever get to being in space. Observing earth from a watchful, masterful distance. He has the whole world in His hands.

internet advertising

2005-07-29T01:29:00.000+01:00

Is heartless with regards to poignant situations.

Right beside the article on "Cries for help heard from helicopter crash site" are printed in bright blue letters:

Fear of flying? Fear of Flying? Overcome Fear of Flying!

Paradox, Irony, Sadly Twistedly Amusing Satire. Thanks be to google.com

and so

2005-07-28T16:32:00.000+01:00

clouds weep,
liquid seeps
into my skin.

thunder rolls,
dark unfolds,
out and in.

sleets across light,
sharp against bright,
stringing me.

tadpoles' lane,
down window pane,
flee.

pierce all of me,
cold cold rain,
no warm nights
again - i
grasp beads in hand
rise and stand
up in wet circles
turning round and round
your tears in cycles.
breathe down strong heavy
rain that sees through me.

void

2005-07-28T00:32:00.000+01:00

"If the Holy Spirit left the churches in your town, would you even notice a difference? How could you tell? Would the church programs stop? Would the services change? Would the youth group be any different? How about Christian concerts? Could a sly charismatic still speak in tongues anytime he wanted to? Could a fundamentalist Baptist still quote his scriptures just as well?

It seems we don't need the Holy Spirit in our churches anymore. We've got everything we need to make the machinery run smoothly. But look at our individual lives. The Holy Spirit wants to be so evident in the churches that if He suddenly leaves, everything would change and everyone would notice." Keith Green.

This is what we've been reduced to: Church programmes, the endless slaving service to men we want to please, working working in church, the fantastical musicians playing on stage with all eyes focused on the expert drummer pianist bassist, the worship leader on a high - perhaps jumping and on fire for the song, empty empty words from up there, activity-based churches running on resources, human power, money, business arms in churches, companies, profit-churning enterprises, flashy cushions buildings, surround sound, airconditioning so people don't feel too uncomfortable during sermons, programme after programme. It's not about performance. Not about empty routine.

Some of these are acceptable but what are we if not filled with the Holy Spirit? Have our leaders forgotten this? I cringe for the experiences I've had, knowing ashamedly how we've conveniently let the importance of His Spirit slip by.

weak - strong

2005-07-27T21:54:00.000+01:00

What a whirlwind month it has been. Spain. [the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain] Hot, hot, hot. Granada, Sevilla, Barcelona. Country of history architecture beaches sun beauty culture. And more than that, being silly, laughing, the craziest things to happen on a trip. Journalling, viewing mountains, monks worshipping in the mystery of the rocks. Rocks that look like aliens, animals, spiritual creatures or all. Many days away. Panda coloured eyes. Skin dark against cream body.

Lake District. Took my breath away. Lake against mountain, clearest waters with tinge of blue. Wide open spaces, green fields to dance around in circles, I run to you screaming and laughing with nobody else to hear, we collapse and tickle each other, us girls squirming with no cares in the world. Traipsing up the river mouth, slipping on moss, roaring waters from the mountaintop. Walking and walking, slipping and falling, shadow of cloud upon water, sunlight streaming through.

Days of endless company, Tocil room overflowing with bags, clothes, mess, junk, fleece throws, sleeping bag, shoes, where is the floor you ask, we laugh as we dry our hair late into the night, my flatmates giving us the evil eye - did we make too much noise you think? It doesn't matter, your last night here, we can talk we can laugh tomorrow is a new day. Conversation.

Company precious and visiting old places. Eyes carefully looking over spaces now empty. We fill places up with what we have in our mind. Three, two, one more night, three, two, one more hour.

So people come and people go. Warwick campus has been quiet for a long time, but I have not noticed. It is deathly, a ghost town and the cloudy chill the past few days makes it more surreal - nights becomes more mysterious yet, silence falls, only worship songs blasting from my speakers are welcome company. Tomorrow's forecast is heavy showers. And I love rain, so I will dance in it, because i can, I can!

It is time to make schedules, plans, get into a rhythm that God would be proud of. I have 35 days to analyse my data and write up a reasonable dissertation so I can leave Warwick with what I came here for - a Masters degree and hopefully with a good result. 35 days. 35 days. May His spirit be with me, be with us all as we complain and stress and peel our skin. No, thimbles will work a miracle for me. As well as being calm... Can I?

It is the greatest mystery. We fall away from God, from His standards, from our own, and as we fall we plop right into His precious loving arms again. How I long to feel ashamed, but You refuse to let me be! You gently pick me up and look me in the eye. You don't allow me to hate myself, although I deserve to! I deserve to! God's love OverPowers my fear. I do not need anything else.

when i fall

2005-07-27T21:50:00.000+01:00

How can I find You
Are You hiding or am I
Should I go or should I wait for a sign
Following Your voice
Walking through a desert night
And I see Your silent storm in the sky
And I stand in my emotion, and I let it be my own
And I know I'm not forsaken
And I'll never be alone

[chorus]
When I fall, when I fall
I know where I'll be landing
When I fall, when I fall
You will still be standing

Somewhere in the silence
I can hear Your broken voice
Like a radio station fading out of range
Somewhere in the crowd
From the corner of my eye
I thought that I could feel You walking by
And when I get this feeling, like I am not so strong
I still can feel You with me
Yeah, You've been there all along

[chorus]
When I fall, when I fall
I know where I'll be landing
When I fall, when I fall
You will still be standing
When I fall, Yeah

Somewhere I'm alone
Won't You take my empty hands
And fill them with Your love
Won't You take me as I am

When I fall, when I fall
I know where I'll be landing
When I fall, Oh, when I fall
You will still be standing

daily log

2005-07-03T01:36:00.000+01:00

The days are passing by in a flash, and there are things I so long to do but have not the time/space for. Time closes in on me, and yet I reach out for it. With fists that clench nothing. Yet the Lord provides in intricate fashions. I just need to look. And wait.

A whirlwind week. Wednesday fetched Tracy from the bus station, we unpacked her goodies from home. Yay a month's supply of tau sa peah, be teh saw, kuih lapis, keropok, chestnuts, dried mangoes, muruku, kong teng!!! And then off to Leamington were we to meet the others, off to the lake galloped us few to row a boat along the river. Promptly, 20 minutes after taking off the rain fell heavily upon us. The rain rained down and the hail hailed down. In the middle of summer, large rocks hit our heads and rain soaked our clothes in and out, top to toe - no kidding. It wasn't funny. Well it was later.. :) And then a warm bath a delicious dinner a conversation late into the night and cozy last night in H's little home. Packing, cleaning, waking up early..

Carrying a whole lot of leftover kitchen goods because to waste food is a sin. We carried bagloads of things on our shoulders, backs and arms aching after, all over Leamington. Shopping and waiting upon the sky as the clouds loomed close by yet again.. rain in summer rather gloomy.. Then to Kenilworth, us bagpackers with shopping bags to see beautiful Kenilworth Castle. More romantic than commercial Warwick Castle, these ruins with beautiful landscape, conjuring up images in my mind's eye of banquets and dances in great halls, the fine wining and dining of ancient days past. Glory of the old times, now existent only when we imagine them to be. Tea in the YES, it is famous, Time for Tea. A hilarious episode of walking around half-lost, half because at the back of our heads of course we knew where to go. Of course. And then a Varsity Pub dinner and sunset for the heart.

Friday to Shakespeare city... Stratford-upon-Avon again I meet with, lake and gardens and barges and flowers. Picnics, dogs, children with happy ice creams in hand. That's all there is to life - licking ice-cream on a summer day. Expect something to happen everyday is my new motto..I dropped my spectacles into the drain by the roadside. Miraculously disappeared and one of these horrid things I hate to dwell upon, yet I do. My precious sight, gone literally down the drain. Sunglasses for the rest of the rainy day. Ridiculous? As always. But pretty homes and cottages, more stationery shopping.

Saturday to Cadbury World and Birmingham. Highlight of the day, purchasing train tickets when trains weren't running, having to take coaches instead. A day of chocolate and busrides. What did you do in england, tracy? sit on the bus. Too much chocolate in the system, but heavenly smells. Smells are free, thank God. The senses are gifts to appreciate. Oh yes indeed. A marketplace in Birmingham. These days filled with fresh fruit, cheap cheap cheap! Nectarines, peaches, pineapples, mangoes, strawberries... Gluts are good for me.

Tomorrow church and fish n chips and Coventry. And off to Spain in the middle of 'that very witching hour'... Full, full days. Abundance.

And in between long, long conversations. Knowing heart, mind, soul. Digging deep. Finding ourselves in a land far away from what is considered home. Love and hate and stories of yesterdays fresh again, painful but God is what's the word...Sovereign. Talking and just being.

But I need time with You, Lord. Make me quieten down time and time again, despite long days filled with activity. Because when everything ceases, that terror of having to say goodbye...

It's always about You. Let my eyes look straight ahead, fixing my gaze directly before me, on the glory of You, You alone. Let me not be afraid to do this. Discouragement from one, infinitely more encouragement from One. Goodnight and see you all after Espana! Muy bien!

thank you

2005-06-24T11:53:00.000+01:00

Lord, for the summer in my heart.

boarding time

2005-06-18T00:43:00.000+01:00

Room H090 has become a farewell point. My personal departure hall. All my participants having taken part in my experiment, hug me farewell. When will I see you again? I don't know.

A year?

Two years, perhaps?

Where?

Yes, at home - but this camaraderie will not be the same. This dynamic student environment where we all sought the truth collectively.

How about everyone else? Canada? France? Malaysia? Germany? Singapore? England again, reunited perhaps?

So painful to say bye to people who I may not ever meet again. Of course we hope, but let me gaze upon your face to remember the way we were in Warwick in the year 2005. Friendships begun. To all you in Europe and elsewhere, friendships we have sprung.

excess baggage

2005-06-18T00:39:00.000+01:00

Thoroughly amusing, found in the ParcelForce pamphlet:

"We can deliver the following creatures, but only enclosed within packs that will prevent injury to Parcelforce Worldwide staff, its agents, or damage to other parcels: Bees, silkworms, leeches and certain parasites, destroyers of noxious pests, and other insects sent to or from offically recognised institutions. The following may also be sent in zones 1-3: Mealworms, earthworms, caterpillars, ragworms, pupae and chrysalides, lugworms, maggots and fish fry and eggs."

I think I will bring some British earthworms, maggots and caterpillars home in October.

life in two bags

2005-06-18T00:10:00.000+01:00

Tonight I am packing my life away into two neat bags (hopefully). I am packing nine months of belongings to shift myself around. My heart fills with sorrow at the thought of how finite time is. We have little time to do all we want to do, all our hearts tell us to feel.

Saying farewell to my little room will be hard. It's just a tocil room, and I'll be going to another tocil room. How difficult can that be? It's the same four walls, with the exact bed, cupboard, mirror and drawers. Everything physical is the same. But this is the space I've longed for and received. Here have I grown and cried out to Him, laughed and learnt all He wanted me to learn. Spiritual markers that I will always remember. Here have I had deep conversations into the late nights, in person and on the wonderful technologically driven msn. I am saying bye to my view of the busy paths, this same frame of the faraway tree to my right, the other skinny trees in between - through the seasons autumn first then when snow descended sugaring the grass then the coolness left and new greens appeared so subtly i forgot to notice and daffodils were in abundance and now the sun shines bright on its surface and i will see things from this angle no more. From my peephole watching in anticipation for visitors who would in three seconds buzz my kitchen noisily, me always knowing they would appear before they approached. My eyes from a sniper's distance, smiling in secret.

I will uncover my walls last, for I cannot bear to see it cold and bare. Empty, naked, stripped dry.

Aiyo, tricia. It's just a blardy room la. You want to live a gypsy's life, so prove it.

lungs of fish

2005-06-16T11:19:00.000+01:00

We were all ready to dive down, deep into the ocean bottom. Everyone was prepared, but they waited patiently for me, me with my fumbling fingers and awkward looks of hesitation.

"Do you have all you need?" I think so, Yes, I do thank you.

I coiled the long white cords around my right wrist, which were attached to a tiny transparent pump. My thumb and index finger clutched desperately to the amazing underwater gadget that would keep me alive for the first hours or so, until my lungs and body would adjust themselves to the level of oxygen necessary to breathe with underwater.

But for now, I would deflate the rubber transluscent waterproof plastic case every few seconds to pump oxygen into my body. We jumped, and swam downwards, reaching the abyss in a matter of minutes. I steadily pumped myself with air, light-headedness coming on to me but I resisted any feeling of fainting. Tiny bubbles gathered each time I loaded pressure onto its surface.

There was a gathering of people, almost a party-like crowd of folk wandering places.. in and out of shops, all creating a buzz and drone slightly enhanced by the fluid surroundings. What a ludicrous but amazing underwaterworld, I thought. People floating around, breathing naturally with no oxygen aids. I would soon transform into such beings.

Someday little plastic pumps of oxygen bursts will permit me to breathe as a fish. Haha. My dreams run too wild with imagination. But it was all so beautiful...

stop

2005-06-12T14:29:00.000+01:00

mocking me with your evil eyes.
taunting me with your wicked grin.

for my God is greater and I don't have to snap, don't have to explode.

10-1-1 Principle

2005-06-12T14:07:00.000+01:00

Petko sat on the other side of the table, while my 2 friends and I tremored in our seats, waiting for his next move. He smiled, but his eyes were hard as stone. Taking out his shotgun, he smoothened his fingers alongside its slick metal. We stared at him in trepidation, our eyes locked on the trigger.

"Have you heard of the 10-1-1 Principle?"

He didn't give us time to answer.

He shot him right in the face, one two three four five six seven eight nine ten shots, each one tearing my heart apart, me feeling helpless unable to move unable to react.

Turning to the one beside me, he shot at her squarely on the forehead, in the middle. Just one clean shot and she fell facedown on the table with a dull thud.

And it was my turn. He knew me personally, yet would he be willing to shoot to kill? He shot at my right temple, carefully aiming his perfect angle to allow it to pierce the skull and skin diagonally. Such that there was a fine hole that I could actually see with my right eye, but not leaving me to my death.

I stood up and looked into his crazy manic eyes, ones that I knew would send me spiralling down the same path were I to stay longer. I packed my bags and left him, the poor man who embraced a weapon of power in his hands and knew not how to handle it.

And yes, there was blood.

*it was just a dream, don't worry.

let me let You

2005-06-11T21:15:00.000+01:00

When the words run out,
When my mouth is dry,
Let me gaze
Let me look
Let me rest eyes
On You.

When the questions abound,
When the answers are few,
Let me run
Let me fly
Let me turn
To You.

When Satan attacks,
When he tears me apart,
Let me rise
Let me soar
Let me reign
With You.

can turtles really fly?

2005-06-11T21:01:00.000+01:00

The pain wreaked havoc on my entire body, but my arms were what suffered. What could I do? My sister was already in shock. The men did that to her, and she became speechless for the longest time. The child in her arms was not her own, it belonged to our enemy. Yet his bashful eyes blinked wonderingly at me and I had no choice but to call it ours.

We laboured daily in the fields, trying as best we could to remove them with our mouths. That was what blasted my limbs apart. But now I am one of the best, I work with diligence and my mouth is flexible. I twist it in the exact momentum and angle necessary to remove the cold metal from the ground. Cold, cold metal, as cold and hard as the hearts that have attacked our people.

Tomorrow will be a new day. But will tomorrow ever come? Today we bought a satellite dish with the hundreds of mines we picked for the past months. It came in handy, but nobody could translate the nonsensical words coming out of the Bush's mouth. Someone said it just meant it was going to rain, but nobody believed him. We knew that war was on its way. Just a matter of timing.

My sister and I had nowhere else to go, and we assumed the tiny filthy spot in the tent already looming with refugees from nearby villages. Where else were people to go? The other children and I scamped around to look for the odd job. When there was none, we would lay down and rest our backs. Agrib had a toothache for days and days and spat out the kerosene I forced her to apply, because she thought I cared too much for the bastard child.

Today it is all over. And I mean All. She has committed a sin. Haram, haram, in the eyes of Allah. What shall I do?? She murdered little turtle-lover. He must have hated the feeling of water entering his lungs as he fought desperately to rise up into the blue, blue air. The distorted sky he could only see from afar but weighed down desperately by the immense rock on his feet. And she pretended she could fly, but she couldn't. I could have told her that. I SHOULD have told her that. And now we are left alone with the American troops who were supposed to be our 'best friends'.

Will they be, I wonder?

while I'm at it

2005-06-11T20:43:00.000+01:00

So. Fine - we preach John 3:16... For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but will have eternal life. But do we have the courage to boldly tell people the next part and equally as important verse just 20 verses later? Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him. And even later, I told you that you would die in your sins; if you do not believe that I am the one I claim to be, you will indeed die in your sins. Are we afraid people will reject it if so?

So. Fine - we preach that with our faith comes a great many blessings that we can reap on earth. God will bless you abundantly, materially or not.. O ye of little faith, all you need is faith and you will suddenly see everything falling right into place. We have successfully transformed into a generation that preaches the warm-fuzzies. The happy tidings. The comfortable living. Right, is that suited for your lifestyle? Great! This is the religion for you, my friend. Come and take your place in the church that allows you to continue in your lifestyle AND.. guess what? God agrees with it! (I hope I don't have to state I'm not being literal)

Our hope and blessings come in the form of eternity. When God heals it is just a sign, a marker, a pointer that leads back to the power and glory of God in heaven. He wants to use these as indications that all things will be made perfect and complete and whole in heaven. Think in terms of eternity, you narrow minded fools (I'm speaking to myself as well so stop blowing your heads off at me).. Are we still so daft to forget the reason God works miracles on earth? Stop thinking in terms of the present! What does it really matter in terms of eternity whether or not we are fed properly, whether or not we have enough money in the bank, whether or not we marry Mr. so and so. Everything should point to heaven. Whether or not you're blessed here. Fine, so you DID receive monetary blessings. I grant you that. And perhaps on the other side of life, I DID receive unfair treatment of abuse and suffering and pain. The two lives are granted equal freedom in Christ.

Stop thinking in terms of the present! And the present doesn't just mean today. it means tomorrow, and everyday till the day you leave earth. Because 80 years of life is tiny and miniscule in comparison to eternity. That great Eternity, where I in him can live invisible and dim.

a life less ordinary

2005-06-11T20:34:00.000+01:00

I don't want to live an ordinary life. I detest, almost hate with a vengeance, the way in which people live lives that are ordinary with no spark, no passion, no desire to move into things more exciting. I hate that I am expected to do the same. I hate that I must fit into a mould that society wants to make of me. I hate the lulling around, mucking about way of living that lacks direction. No unified purpose. What is the point??? So much of the world exists, that does not live in the so very american, english, malaysian, singaporean materialistic lifestyle. There is so much more one can do besides come home and get a job behind a desk, sit there for the next 30 years of your life to finally wake up and think - oh NOW I can go ahead and do what I really actually wanted to do. I don't want that. I want to wake up now. NOW, dammit!

Why is it so difficult to convince (indeed, why must one convince??) people that the inherent need and drive in me is to go out in the world and help, to whatever extent I can? To be with people, to promise them the only hope I know is true? Why is it such a taboo? Why must I waste my entire emotional presence of mind trying to crack my brain to think how I must convince others I want to do this? Why is it seen as such a crazy thing, when this is so far from being a sin? No, indeed it is a good thing to want to do. Yet the world decides against it. So much is going on elsewhere, but people choose not to take notice of it. Go on and delude yourselves into thinking that it doesn't matter, because it DOES.

And while I'm in a foul mood, I'd appreciate it if people don't link my blog all over the place. I understand some of you like your blogs to be made public, but I'm not that person.

there is a day

2005-06-01T20:41:00.000+01:00

what a wonderful reminder.. and AWESOME song..

There is a day
That all creation's waiting for,
A day of freedom and liberation for the earth.
And on that day
The Lord will come to meet His bride,
And when we see Him
In an instant we'll be changed

The trumpet sounds
And the dead will then be raised
By His power,
Never to perish again.
Once only flesh,
Now clothed with immortality,
Death has now been
Swallowed up in victory

We will meet Him in the air
And then we will be like Him
For we will see Him, as He is
Oh yeah!
Then all hurt and pain will cease
And we'll be with Him forever
And in His glory we will live
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

So lift your eyes
To the things as yet unseen,
That will remain now
For all eternity.
Though trouble's hard,
It's only momentary
And it's achieving
Our future glory.

A Caterpillar Story

2005-06-01T14:28:00.000+01:00

A children's book I remember reading: "A Caterpillar Story"

It was about a little caterpillar who walked around, not quite knowing what to do. Suddenly saw a pillar of climbing caterpillars. Tightly wound against the other, the pillar was shaped as a pyramid-like structure, wide at the bottom where many caterpillars clamoured to even get into the pillar, and getting narrower higher up, as only the fit and able ones were able to withstand it. So he decided to join in, climbing up up up higher higher higher. He kept asking those around him, what is up there? what are we climbing for? And it was a silence, as everyone just said to continue climbing so we'd know and figure it all out soon enough. So he climbed.

But as he reached the higher sections of the Great Pillar, he heard whispers... there's nothing up there.. but don't tell those at the bottom.. we've come so far.. So Mr. Caterpillar thought and thought about it, not knowing what to do. Give up all the time he'd spent climbing up the pillar? Listen to those around him? Or charge onto the peak? He decided to let go. Let his muscles loose.. fall, fall fall fall fall as the others still pushed, he felt his body on the ground again.

And wandering he went, but soon met Ms. Caterpillar who was happily enjoying life, chewing upon leaves to make her fat. (yeah, my kind of woman) And he asked her what she was doing. She said we'll never know what happens and one day wove a cocoon. He wondered where she went. And then the cocoon was empty. He freaked out. But saw a beautiful butterfly hovering above him, something about her eyes captivated him and urged him to hang on, not to give up. And he really did know what to do, one day wove his cocoon and emerged a butterfly. And as he flew around, he saw not just one but dozens and dozens of floating pillars... with NO TOP.

And he made it his mission to tell these disillusioned caterpillars that there was really nothing at the top. That there was more within them that they COULD and SHOULD use to transform their lives into something better. If only they were brave enough to figure it out. If only they didn't follow the crowd, enmeshed bodies in a purposeless pillar.

If I could be brave enough to figure it out.
If I could not follow the crowd, enmeshed bodies in a purposeless pillar.
If I could allow Him to transform me, use me for something better.

christian science

2005-06-01T13:38:00.000+01:00

So much in psychology urges us to quantify empirically any result from hard fact and observation. It takes only an experiment or two to perfectly identify the way in which people think, characterise and make sense of the world. Mental models of categorisation and cognition and memory and so forth... Take an equation or two, allow each variable to identify a certain aspect of the person's brain and justify your reasons for placing them there. Justify your reasons for outlining this particular model, be it linear, inverse, exponential, logarithmic and so on. And voila, once you have your experimental data, input into the perfect model and there you have it - the best explanation of how people think!

Is it right to quantify motivations, inspirations, emotions? Because I am. And more and more I wonder whether it is merely riding on the cognitive science wave for my purposes. No matter that I know how ridiculous it is for it to exclude spirituality and God. With numerous assumptions of a person's state of mind, the role of God is small. And even if you could quantify this, it makes it cold and mechanical. Mechanical is far from what God intends for us to be.

The Holy Spirit works fluidly, and we know not how or when it will move. It is the mystery.

And reductionism. Behaviourists. I've been observing and running several EEG (electroencephalogram) experiments, you know the ones with electrodes running from your head onto a machine which then records your brainwaves. I saw colourful rainbow patterns as each wave reflected every movement made. The twitch of the neck, the blink of an eye, even alpha-waves, which record your state of sleepiness and boredom. Beyond this, can EEG's record our spiritual experiences? People have discovered that every religious or spiritual experience is accompanied by heightened activity in a particular area of the brain. Does this mean that all our prayers and spiritual convictions can be reduced to merely the activation or deactivation of certain areas? I don't want to believe this! If this is all there is, then it makes a mockery of all we believe, all we are.

If all there is to the human spirit is the activation of hormones in our bodies, then we are just shells. And this is the scariest thought of all. There is no reason to be. But we have a higher reason, and we HAVE to hold strongly to this, or life just ceases in importance.

So, separating science from religion? Rather, incorporate God into how we deal with science. Be convicted. Know what to stand for. Intellectualism won't give you the world.

2005-05-30T10:41:00.000+01:00

YAMseng!!!

2005-05-30T10:40:00.000+01:00

praise God for good weather

2005-05-30T10:39:00.001+01:00

while the rest played footie

2005-05-30T10:39:00.000+01:00

in the cool of the shadow

2005-05-30T10:38:00.000+01:00

bits of my chocolate stash

2005-05-30T10:37:00.000+01:00

birthday scene

emerge

2005-05-30T10:20:00.000+01:00

Alright, I'll emerge from hiding. Things are great, I'm doing alright.

My birthday (more than a week ago now) was full of tiny and great surprises, balloons in the kitchen, sweet expressive cards, a whole lot of chocolates, great dinner, a wonderful fantastic bbq in the woodsy field...ALL of which I've gone over mentally in my head (like a spinning record) and images of which memorized slowly & precisely, to the utmost detail... Capturing in my mind these precious and raw things which will be, which must be remembered. These are precious days to me. While spring and summer last. Last spring and summer.

I have many things to say, but they'll have to wait till after my project (tmrw) and exam (Thursday). For now, you can feast your eyes on pictures that I'll put up now. Enjoy.

a struggle

2005-05-25T02:22:00.000+01:00

my thoughts
so far away from work.
my heart
so far away from work.
my deepest layers
so far away from work.

help

2005-05-24T10:40:00.000+01:00

I have lost my focus and urgency in doing work. And in no timely manner either. An assessment due two days from now, which I've done little of. Another big project (100% of a module) next Tuesday, which I've done NOTHING for. And an exam on Thursday, yup, you guessed right. Have not even thought about it, much less looked at it.

Fine, I justified not having done work in the weekend (it was a fab birthday and will elaborate later, but suffice to say all you people are absolutely grand. Some in particular just went through major things to make my birthday a wonder.) but I have no excuses now...

So Lord PLEASE wake me up from this stupor. In terms of eternity, work means nothing, but if I remind myself that I'm working for You and not for anyone else then this alone should spur me on to complete it, and complete it well. Remind me that there's nothing that You and I together cannot handle. Free me from my panic attacks, give me perfect peace, and with this may I concentrate fully. I can do this. I can do this with Your help.

frail

2005-05-19T21:26:00.000+01:00

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like You said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

frail..

ramblings

2005-05-18T11:14:00.000+01:00

I heard the whirring of my automatic watch's inner mechanisms through my pillow, all too faintly. And I wondered whether it could be that if we sit silent enough we could sense the fine, intricate workings of God all around us.

I have new life in my room. Flowers deep red, and a new plant to accompany Alfie Herbert. She shall be named Cambria, ode to the burst of life in that mysterious Cambrian explosion. Dark orange in the middle, she epitomizes energy. Thank you.

yesterday, I

2005-05-17T11:06:00.000+01:00

looked into the mirror and didn't recognise the face I saw.

dreams seep into my world

2005-05-16T16:07:00.000+01:00

And I cried so much in my dream last night that I woke up so tired.
Some chromosomes in my body had mutated, or duplicated, or transformed.
Such that the doctors said I would never be able to have a baby.
And one person tried to comfort me.
But I cried anyway.

Why do dreams have such an effect on me...
Two nights ago I dreamt of Mama, Kong-kong and Uncle Mike, the latter two already deceased.
I was so happy to see them all that I threw all my bags and jackets aside to run to them impulsively without restraint, gleefully laughing... I was overjoyed to see them, these figures of my past and present. So vividly did I touch them. The beige horizontal striped T-shirt that followed the curvature of Uncle Mike's tummy. Mama in her dark green regal silk blouse, sitting in a wheelchair but laughing at my childish antics. Kong-kong with his medical briefcase, ever hunching as if something slightly depressing always afflicted him; his dark-rimmed spectacles that intellectualised him more than necessary. And these three aged dears in my arms.

Dream on, dream on, wern.

The Long One

2005-05-16T14:55:00.000+01:00

Having been accused of not updating my friends back home on what's been happening in life, I will now humbly give in and update briefly. True that the purpose of my blog isn't really to give a detailed and lengthy description of my daily activities - no, more an outlet for my strange thoughts and feelings. But here goes: this is for everyone around the world and those not at Warwick.

Let's see, the past month has been awesome because of the weather. My weekend down in London was almost perfect, having had beautiful days of sun, strolling around Hyde Park and bouncing about the streets and tubes, shopping and eating with great company. Highlights were: 1) Rowing a boat down the Serpentine but wearing dressy skirt, top and strappy heels because we were to attend Les Miserables that very night, 2) Watching Ady try to convince me that she could snap, 3) Missing the last tube back from Trafalgar Square and having to take a cab back to Paddington instead, 4) Meeting Soi-Ee and spending a great several days with her (the pineapple tarts, kaya and bak kwa that she brought over had NOTHING to do with it!) 5) Hyde Park, enough said.

Have been out at the lake quite a lot recently, and there's such a summery feeling in people's hearts. Aside from the fact that all the undergrads are stressed out with exams and the like, people lie around on mats on the green green grass (did I say before that the grass looks TOO green, like plastic?) and absorbing both their studies and the sun's *wonderful* UV rays. But I daren't say anything, as I read under the glare of the sun as well. Imagine, getting a suntan in England.

Workwise, I've been feeling rather 'sian' about my research and dissertation, but I have to kick myself on, or I'll run out of time. Had a little presentation last week, which I did well on (Praise God alone) and more assessments to come. Have been socialising a little too much, which makes for my solitary time cut short but I still squeeze in that time necessary for journalling (this online journal is not my regular journal), Bible reading, reflecting and talking to myself. (yes, the latter does happen.) Socialising in my terms, though, equals talking to people about MoreImportantThingsInLife, which I definitely think worth the while. Every word that comes out of our mouths should edify, encourage, motivate others towards God.

Have been worried about the future as well, and constant questions from family members especially don't help. In a recent conversation, however, I was reminded again of our original intention and purpose. Why God created mankind vs. What we do about it today. Cultivate the earth? Created for fellowship with God? Created to worship God? Yes, and more. And the goals we set for ourselves today deviate too far away from these reasons. The discrepancy widens as we age, assimilate into society and "crawl out of the magician's hat", like the rabbit in Sophie's World. Yet it is so possible to choose not to lose it.

And speaking of aging, now comes a time where I feel again so far from the label placed upon me. What are the labels? Tricia. Master's student. Malaysian. Chinese. 23 years old in a couple of days. Adult. Lady. Unfortunately, I have problems identifying holistically with each of these labels. Do I have issues??!! Nevertheless, celebrate the end of 23 years on earth I will. Holding a barbecue out in the open sun (good weather predicted) with friends here. I extend the invitation to my friends at home, but understand if you attach more negative value to the airfare than you do positive value to your friend. No explanation necessary.

I feel loved and blessed, undeservedly so. Jess, your parcel with the guys' birthday scrawls, the present, card etc... My heart just - I can't describe it - glows to think of you people who care so much. I love you guys. Again, I feel just a measly 17 or 18, twentythree is what solid, matured, grown-up people are. People who make the right decisions. People with grace. I feel the total opposite, and yet I know God seeks to hone me finely, which I accept with humility.

To sum up, life has been great. God has been good, Good, GOOD. He has taught me so many things that I long to grasp and cling onto, so I will take with me when I go home. Learning to be His child, to Be in His presence. Learning to be broken. Learning I will Always Fail but that it's alright because His strength is perfect. In fact MADE perfect by my weaknesses. Learning to be emotionally messed up, not knowing what step next to take but that I can bring it all to Him in totality, revealing my heart's greatest concerns and laying them at His feet. Yes, the best possible update would be to share that God has challenged me greatly in my time here and I praise Him for it.

tantrums

2005-05-14T13:50:00.000+01:00

I have to MOVE?!!! I was under the impression that we would be able to extend our contract and live comfortably in my wonderful room for the next 4 months at least!!! And now you tell me that I have to shift out of this perfect haven I've created for myself and into another block nearby, with strangers, at a time when I'll be distressing over my dissertation writing and analysis and reporting??? I have to live with a bunch of people I wouldn't have the time to get to know properly, and worse, say goodbye to my current flatmates who I've grown to love and be comfortable sharing with? I'll have to be in a block so near and yet so 'far away from home' and with 11 others instead of my comfortable 4 others I am with right now?? I feel indignant! This was what was promised to me such a long time ago and I've laid my expectations down. What is it about change that I cannot accept easily and gracefully? I am just - so satisfied with my current position and I don't want to move! I don't!

and the childish tantrums go on...

Oh but God indeed you have already blessed me with so much. What do I have to complain about? How can I go on continuously wrenching my soul out and about when really, all this is already a Gift to me that I ought to merely embrace with silent gratitude. And although this comes at a time when I'm already jumping up and down within because of my lethargical research progress and plans for the future (what plans, you may ask, correctly so), this is a time where I have to sit silently. Stop fidgeting with your fingers and toes and hair but look up to receive quietly the message so clear: Trust Me. Just Trust Me. Your future is secure in Me. It is the most difficult thing to do, and yet I have to walk by faith. No - I don't do the phrase justice by saying "yet"... To live victoriously I say that I WILL put my hope in Christ alone.

That war within. I'd like to wring a towel, strangling it apart because that is how my insides feel.

tear my hair

2005-05-13T01:24:00.000+01:00

I hate sticky beer-stained floors.
I hate moments when I lose control of myself.
I hate helplessness and not being able to control my tongue.
I hate the all too familiar feeling of retaliation and aggravation.

if only I can let God do the talking.
teach me the best way to be silent.
the best way is
to be silent.
or is it?

anthropomorphics

2005-05-12T15:19:00.000+01:00

Alfie is growing, I'm proud of him. New leaves light green fresh crisp crunchy chewy as I water him grow grow it's my child.
And Spotty looks on meanwhile, lifelong partner never failing to cheer white body red spotted paws to absorb my fears everytime I hug and/or suffocate him.
Faraway Tree spies on everyone else, large monstrous object flying high in summer skies big large trunk stand firm look around with your many different lands above you to dream upon and so i dream on.
Himmel my music-mate, bring forth tunes to strike me down and realise new things worship in wonder at the world around me learn to love learn to feel.
Blue Baby who helps with work, daily renewing encouraging receiving my hammering of fingertips with nails uncut, sharpened by peeling skin around it trimming trimming.
Gyp (gypsy) who takes me places, running horse that flies me to worlds around and travel I there to where your wheels turn take me take me wandering forth.
And finally... Shadow my pseudohome away from home, my haven of thoughts and laughs and cries and shouts and music playing and singing and writing and working, the place I talk to God and seek and ask and question, where I cool down and be myself away from the world.

I anthropomorphise.

i have never

2005-05-11T18:56:00.000+01:00

Please love let's make no impartial vow
Let all fall away
That's not crucial now
I want to brave love, one that makes me weak in the knees
I want a crazy, crazy love
One that makes me come undone at the seams
'Cause I'm tired of all these pilgrims, these puritans, these thieves
Of all these unbelievers
who whittle love down at the knees
-jewel

one day more

2005-05-11T18:46:00.000+01:00

tomorrow will be a new day, i have oranges stuck to my teeth and the alarm ringing in my head and the pillow drooping behind me on the wall and the papers strewn on the table and my hands tremble and the presentation is due Too Soon and .. tomorrow will be a new day.

Dance of Death

2005-05-10T23:51:00.000+01:00

Dancing girl,
You dance so pretty,
Your feet so flitty,
Light and airy as a fairy,
Fluid moves that take his breath,
So dance away your dance of death.

Dancing girl,
Your feet of poison,
Stinging soles with every step,
Sickly sweet before the throne,
Graceful fingers, hands you lift,
Please you him this birthday gift.

Dancing girl,
Your mother’s venom,
You sucked this evil far too long,
The power given far too strong,
Misuse, abuse, these strange connections,
Misuse, abuse, your false affections.

Dancing girl,
Your dark request,
Impending doom and deep distress,
How great the terror your dance has brought,
How small your heart, how weak your thoughts,
Think you that his life is naught?

Dancing girl,
Petite in figure,
Your body as a mighty axe,
In motion as it forcefully hacks,
His body lays limp and slouched in blood,
Will you not swim in this treacherous flood?

Dancing girl,
Why do you stop?
How do you feel as you look at the platter?
This prisoner cheap, life that does not matter?
Do your feet not stop in motion?
Do you feel some odd erosion?

Dancing girl,
Exploit your talent,
Sinister and gruesome your dance has become,
Stare forth at the head and present to your mum,
Herodius now happy and pleased with her work,
Do you not shudder at the darkness that lurks?

Dancing girl,
Your feet are stained,
Will you forget, or dance the night away?
Will you sink into horror, know how he had to pay?
For your innocence, her greed,
You will remember this foul deed.

Dancing girl,
You dance so pretty,
For uncle amused but becoming confused,
Your feet like ten swords slashing John’s neck,
You’ve given him freedom, you’ve given him rest,
For tonight you danced your dance of death.

*Based on Matthew 14:1-13. Go and read it if you don't already know it. It made me feel dark and shadowy for a long time.

2005-05-09T16:24:00.000+01:00

sunset in london

2005-05-09T16:22:00.000+01:00

mysterious looking dragon in the sky